Safety

The painted yellow rectangles on the curb,
marking the bus stop at UNM,
read "Safety Zone".

Some people found the sign puzzling,

So to clarify,
they repainted all of the curbs to read,
"Do not stand in safety zone."

I want to be in the safety zone.

Safe for now, safe for today.
Safe for tomorrow.
Safe from being hit by a truck.

We can't be safe for ever.

I tried to be safe,
so I pushed the walk button,
and patiently waited at the  curb.

Safe for today.

Five minutes more or less sitting at my desk,
means nothing, except
when you have a meeting with a truck.

Safe for the moment.

The truck came careening around the corner,
workman in a tear for that Friday beer,
at the end of his manual labor week.

Be safe.

One step less, oblivion;
one step more, stunned relief.
At the 23rd second, I saw the truck.

Be careful. 

In animated slow motion
I watched the truck approach,
its side mirror striking my forehead.

God bless you.

Knocked down but not out,
bashing skull,
tearing hamstring.

Via con dios.

What were you doing in the middle of the road?
I was in the cross walk watching
the seconds count down,  not the street.

Hasta la vista.

Gone back to j-walking now.

In the Mail

Selling for,
asking for,
or demanding
money.

Lots to recycle,
but almost never
a letter from a friend.

She Smiles

Girl walked out to her car  on a cold Monday morning

outside a college dorm,  by a boy in sweats and flip flops,

she dressed in warm coat and carrying a back-pack,  

No passionate goodby kiss, or even hug.

Just her smile, and his shy head hanging down.  

The smile said  “Thanks for the good time”.  

A first date?  A long weekend?   

Will they see each other again?  

Did the smile say, "Call me if you want to get together again?" 

Did the smile say, "That was fun,

but I have a boyfriend at home to get back to."

Yes, it was me waiting for you.

I make my way down the hall on crutches

a deep aching in my hip,

through the long dark corridor of years

to find you have returned to me.

I can smell your fresh hair,

see the smile across your young face.

You came back to me,

and you were there when it truly mattered.

The Voyage

1. Setting Sail

Emergency responders circle my bed.
With teeth-rattling shaking chill
I'm taken out into the winter night.

Pushed over the edge by interferon,
down into the depths of septic shock,
down like water that circles the drain.

Blood is a fluid that moves under pressure.
Can you feel your pulse?
Galileo used his to measure the acceleration of gravity.

Keep the blood flowing,
the pulse must count the beat
if necessary, with drugs they call pressers.

Did you forget to breath?
If you do, they use a ventilator
pushing the air into your lungs through a tube.

Meg whispers, "Do it for David"
with tears in her eyes.
The ventilator sighs without emotion.

She has seen this chaos before,
spinning exponentially out of control.
She is determined to find a way out.

Med-Vac to Jacksonville.
I am oblivious as they catch me,
curled up in a dense cloud of coma.

Where am I now?  What is this place?
Carl Jung wrote about it in "The Red Book":
mad visions, a window into the collective unconscious.

But there is no collective unconscious.
only the turbulent seas of the mind,
an inner world more real than any dream.


2. The English Doctor

Sing to me dear,  help me recall the journey.  
In five walled room I find myself supine,
by waves rocked beneath,  the English channel churns.
Unknown artifice has transported me to here,
To live, must find one more ripe corpse to rob.

The English doctor stands before my bed,

Handsome and tall he says he will save me.

My lovely Meg speaks now these terrible words:

"You do not please me any more I feel

this doctor here has swept me off my feet."

These organs they harvest from whence they come?
Not legal, a secret program afloat this barge
We compete to get the fruit of this dark harvest
now scavenged from the shore of river Styx.
To me, or this English workman now sober.

We float inside a womb and fight for life,
separated by clear, thin-walled membrane.
Like twins but only one will be reborn.
The English workman gets to live anew,
I have become the still-born child of fate.

To five walled room I find myself returned.
Put in a box and dumped into the sea,
Down cold dark depths, this must be my demise.
Abrupt the change now to another place.
Intense bright light, loud buzzing consummation.

I cross over.
                    Welcome to eternity.

3. Passover is Coming

Pulled down a long dark hall to the living
from eternity to the moment of now
just in time for resurrection season
I find myself in a room of machines.

Twisted tubes from both sides of my open mouth,
I fill the spirals with black marker eye
going to machine with dials and switches,
watchman sits in silent contemplation.

Nurses come in and out, both male and female,
they make offers of sex that I decline.
Am not thinking of any of that for now,
thinking only of Meg who does not care.

A list of archaic religious celebrations
and dates in parallel columns on wall
I must connect them with black marker eye,
compulsion taking my full attention.

I lie on sheaves of soft grass and barley grain
my head sinks low as I peer over the grass,
to see Meg come.  Please take me by the hand
even though your love for me is no more.

I long to sink down deep into the grass,
Will I fall through or suffocate beneath?

I give in to gravity, gently fall.
Looking out on a wide desert landscape.

Vast armies fight with sword and horse drawn carts,
as I descend upon this ancient plane
and find myself a slave in pit of mud
stomping the grass, making bricks with bare feet.


4. Clock Over the Bathroom Door

Rectangular and tall in dark brown suit
he learns I am a physicist so comes
to me to discuss things and topics like
physics, philosophy, psychology.

Happy to have an intellectual
conversation so bored here in this bed.
Astronomy and the patterns of stars in sky
by eyes collected in constellations.

The Babylonians watched the night sky
for centuries recorded locations
of stars and centuries later used by
the Greek astronomer Hipparchus who
found the procession of the equinoxes
his lost words brought to us by Ptolemy,

Later Hubble discovered that points of light
actually distant galaxies, cosmos
much bigger then the spheres of the ancients
and surprising Einstein not static, moving
apart at enormous speeds in every
direction blown apart by the first bang.

The tall doctor brings up astrology,
which I think is nonsense, he serious,
vigorously waving his arms around,
great circles pointing to holes in ceiling,

Holes that have turned into points of bright light,
and his arms appear extended from the 
center of his face;  extended clock hands.
The clock face sparkles,  arms whirl feverishly,
now shooting sparks.  I
                                       have vexed him greatly.

5.  Friday night

On the shelf in front of my bed are piled
towels and rags, bandages pads and bottles.
The spaces between arranged into triangles,
and slowly filled in with black marker eye.

The sun going down, and at back of the room
a large picture window and a bench seat.
Through dim light and grey fog I can make out
Meg and David sit silently staring.

Through the window I see a mountain range,
turning beautifully red-orange,
in the sunset looking like the Sandias
With black marker eye, trace bumps and wiggles.

As night falls patients gather in the room.
The Tall Doctor will soon give a lecture.
They sit there on the floor, wrapped in blankets.
They whisper to each other as they wait.

Behind my bed I turn my head to see,
on a pedestal hanging from the wall,
a bearded Hasid stands fervently praying.
I am comforted;
                          it must be Friday night. 


6. Get Me Up

I hear them murmuring to each other
in the next room, planning a day outing.
The family has gathered to visit.
I hear the rain falling gently outside.
  


On this dark and rainy afternoon they
have come to take me out to the city.
I do want to go out for awhile.
To go, I just need to get out of bed.

Meg comes from the next room to my bedside.

"Get out of that bed and come out with us."
I am so weak, you'll have to help me.
"I cannot help, you need to help yourself."

Next,  in comes Amanda to my bedside.

"Get out of that bed and come out with us."
I am so weak, you'll have to help me.
"I cannot help, you need to help yourself."

Next,  in comes Jeremy to my bedside.

"Get out of that bed and come out with us."
I am so weak, you'll have to help me.
"I cannot help, you need to help yourself."

Then last, in comes David to my bedside.
"Get out of that bed and come out with us."
I am so weak, you'll have to help me.
"I cannot help, you need to help yourself."

Finally the nurse comes to my bedside.
Help me up to go with my family.
I am so weak, you'll have to help me.
"I cannot help, you need to help yourself." 

"What time do you think it is?'  the nurse asks.
I say that it is early afternoon,
He says it is the three in the morning.

Outside the soft rain continues to fall.    


7. Rainy Day

Outside the window, the rain is falling  
I can hear it through the open glass pane.
A soft drip, drip and I smell the sweet scent.

The nurse has put me in her apartment.
With a western style central courtyard,
and a connecting outdoor balcony.

Outside I hear the soft drip drip, drip drip.

She has taken me home for her day shift
so she can take care of her little girl.
Her living room now holds a bed for me.

I listen to the soft drip drip, drip drip.
  
Hospital Bed with elegant side rails,
like my Dad's classic Olds eighty-eight--
black velvet armrests, convenient ashtray.

Outside I hear the soft drip drip, drip drip.

A little blond girl stands in the corner.
Her hand idly playing with her ringlets,
staring at me with her large blue eyes.

I listen to the soft drip drip, drip drip.

I am anxious for Meg to come to 
navigate me back to the hospital.
I am scared by the girl starring at me.

Outside I hear the soft drip drip, drip drip.

When she finally comes, I say to her
"The little girl starring from the corner,
odd that the black nurse has such a blond child."

I listen to the soft drip drip, drip drip. 

Meg looks at me and asks confused, "What girl?"

"See, right there in the corner of the room. "

'There is no girl in the corner", Meg says.

But I stare into the girl's eyes
and listen to the soft drip drip, drip drip.

8. Selling Fish

At night, after Meg has left me alone,
hear them milling about outside my room.
They are a group of German teenagers.

They are relatives of one of the nurses,
and they decide to sit down in my room.
They fancy to talk without being disturbed.

I hear them whispering to each other.
So filled with entrepreneurial spirit,
they have come here to start a business.

They have a plan to buy fish off of boats 
at early morning in Jacksonville
and take fish to sell in  Albuquerque.

There is much to discuss. Detailed planning,
Grouper, mackerel, herring, snapper.
They will purchase a refrigerated truck.

I want to say they will not make money.
These days, fish is flown to Albuquerque.
They ignore me. I am invisible.

When the nurse appears, will have to ask her.
Please throw this group of  kids out of  my room.
I am so weary, and just want to sleep.


9. EPP

One nurse is tall, muscular and dark-skinned
graceful and elegant Ethiopian nose.
His wife my other nurse, looks like she is 

from Congo but I cannot be certain.

Hanging from my nose a tube that feeds me,
they announce it's time for your nutrition.
Apparently have taken the other tube.

Now I have to try to use a bed-pan.

I'm feeling a little better now,
two physical therapists cheerfully
They sit me up only to flop over
folding neatly in half like a rag doll.

 I think I might need to use the toilet,
 I see the clock over the tall brown door. 
They say if I cannot sit up it is
not yet time for me to get out of bed.

I could swear was only just  yesterday,
sitting in my living room chair just fine.
How can I be so impossibly weak?
I cannot understand my condition.

This a special hospital, somewhere
eastern Florida research Institute
where nurses come up to my bed and whisper
a soft sound like "EEEP" into my ear.

Here for a conference, my friend Susan,
statistics, psychological methods,
It is funny her conference is here
at hospital where I am a patient.

Late night birthday party for nurse's son,
tables set up with large platters of food.
Crowd of friends and relatives assemble,
the room fills with loud voices, merry laughter.

Susan sits in back of the room working
mistake her for newspaper reporter
mysterious dark Spanish beauty
She laughs, asks "Don't you recognize me?"

White coated doctor comes in the next morning,
must have missed a dose of interferon.
He laughs, says I have missed a lot of doses.
Don't worry better drugs are coming.

But I am very worried, I complain,
a better hospital could treat me now.
What hospital do you believe this is?
The poster on the wall says E. P. P.

"At EPP where everyone says EEEP,"
"No," he says, "this is the Mayo Clinic
and this is the best hospital there is."
I am embarrassed to be so confused.

It takes two nurses to put me in a chair, 
Why sitting is so very difficult?
Meg, so happy to see me out of bed.
Can the feeding tube can be removed yet?

They continuously play blues, R&B.
Songs about the great northern migration.
From impoverished farms to factories,
they hope for their children in the city.

As soon as they take out the feeding tube,
Meg brings me an omelet from downstairs.
In my head, the loud sound of teeth mashing.
The sound echos; I taste nothing at all.

Meg wants to divert me with a movie,
I struggle to sit and watch the picture.
I can see it, but hear only the blues--
moving on up, to Chicago, Detroit.

A sling-like crane ferries me back to bed.
Sing rock a bye baby in the tree top.
Then man on the TV ranting in Spanish,
I yell at him and he talks back to me.

10.  The Jew of Canada

Movie comes on "The Jew of Canada".
Squat and bouncy, hooked nose, curly haired man.
He pines for wife who has left him alone
with his daughter to take care of. 

 

A committed animal rights activist,

barely tolerated in this small town.

The tall hunter a suitor to his wife,

mocks him with rifle and green hunting cap.

Hunter tracks a deer,  through lush dark forest,

tall and silent he takes careful aim 

but the hunter is being hunted by the Jew

the deer bounds away into the green woods.

 

 For revenge, the hunter woos the lady.

Though he is tall and ruggedly handsome,

she is not fooled, thinks of the love she had.

The lady thwarts the hunter's advances.

The  man bent on revenge, violent action

kidnapped, away in her station wagon,

daughter comes calling and finds her taken,

alerts the Jew who goes chasing after.

Hunter and Jew meet in supermarket,

Now the Jew is hunted and the rifle cracks

The wily Jew is too quick to be shot

The police come, the hunter is taken.

Still in love, the Jew asks her to come home,

to be a family as they once were,

she has moved on and wants a life apart,

Jew and daughter turn away abandoned.

11. Valentine's Day 

To live again you must get out of bed.  

Pain and weakness  overcome by shear will. 

Two pairs of strong arms to help me get up.

Sit up and dangle legs over the bedside.

 

One, a former paratrooper I ask 

"Do they in fact call the jumpers roosters?"

"Yes, when the time comes you just have to jump."

I slide off of the bed, strong arms holding.

 

I manage to walk almost to the door,

my feet feel like stumps,  like I have no toes.

I am breathing hard to take these few steps.

In a coma for weeks with septic shock.  

The next day I will be leaving the unit.

Two nurses come in to wash and clean me.  

Today is Valentines day, they say

Would you like to get nice to surprise Meg?

Pretty one lifts up my gown and asks, "Trim?"  

I have never trimmed down there, but why not?

Portuguese nurse offers a mustache trim,

She washes my hair and changes my gown.

Meg  says you look lovely,

                 my valentine.