It's Halloween night.
Don't leave me here with Miss Piggy.
The nurse had a funny nose.
As I watched her face transform.
In red, on the back of the chair
the word isolation.
A waving clock above my head
but there is no breeze.
Draped, like Dali's clock.
Hold on!
In red, on the back of the chair
the word rejection.
Again they come to take me for an X-ray
The machine will kill me, but I can do nothing.
It has already happened.
In red, on the back of the chair
the word resuscitation.
Swirling waters pull violently
I am a rubber band, wrapped around a pole
at the center of the rushing vortex.
Hold on!
In red, on the back of the chair
the word regeneration.
The face asks, can you hear me?
I blink my eyes.
I think he is signaling with his eyes,
in Morse code.
In red, on the back of the chair
the word rejuvenation.
Two points of light appear,
as if the darkness is the inside of a mask,
I peer out of the eye-holes into the room.
How did you figure it out?
In red, on the back of the chair
the word resurrection.
Sunday, May 26, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Jellyfish
Each day, to my hospital bed
someone in white, with tray of little cups
filled with pink liquid.
Swish and spit test for CMV.
One day, they stopped coming.
Even doctors stopped coming.
No one wants to watch
the star liver transplant patient
become a failure.
I am so weak now.
One new liver, then another
Weaken the immune system,
torment the muscles.
The virus takes hold.
Above 105 there is brain damage.
Forced onto an ice mattress
burning fever, unendurable cold,
then a cough that will not stop.
What happens now?
Endless night in a chair coughing
I sing along with Jimi --
"It's so groovy to float around sometimes
even a jellyfish will tell you that."
In the morning, a gallium scan.
How much longer can I go on?
After the scan I am parked in the hall
on a gurney, staring at tiny holes in the white ceiling.
I lie waiting.
Then the pain is gone.
I am floating, weightless.
Not a bone in my jelly back,
and I know it is my time.
I grab a passing white sleeve.
She leans over, puts her ear up to my lips.
I whisper "I am going,
if anyone wants to know,"
Sudden loud and furious action:
call the crash cart!
Pull me into a side room,
and they go to work.
I float up to the ceiling
and look down on my body
as they jam a breathing tube
down my throat.
Meg's face appears from nowhere.
Another liver for you in Florida.
I lift my hand and give the thumbs up.
"Talk to me darlin' with a message of love."
someone in white, with tray of little cups
filled with pink liquid.
Swish and spit test for CMV.
One day, they stopped coming.
Even doctors stopped coming.
No one wants to watch
the star liver transplant patient
become a failure.
I am so weak now.
One new liver, then another
Weaken the immune system,
torment the muscles.
The virus takes hold.
Above 105 there is brain damage.
Forced onto an ice mattress
burning fever, unendurable cold,
then a cough that will not stop.
What happens now?
Endless night in a chair coughing
I sing along with Jimi --
"It's so groovy to float around sometimes
even a jellyfish will tell you that."
In the morning, a gallium scan.
How much longer can I go on?
After the scan I am parked in the hall
on a gurney, staring at tiny holes in the white ceiling.
I lie waiting.
Then the pain is gone.
I am floating, weightless.
Not a bone in my jelly back,
and I know it is my time.
I grab a passing white sleeve.
She leans over, puts her ear up to my lips.
I whisper "I am going,
if anyone wants to know,"
Sudden loud and furious action:
call the crash cart!
Pull me into a side room,
and they go to work.
I float up to the ceiling
and look down on my body
as they jam a breathing tube
down my throat.
Meg's face appears from nowhere.
Another liver for you in Florida.
I lift my hand and give the thumbs up.
"Talk to me darlin' with a message of love."
Picking up the Jerry Wire
Meg wheeled me over to the hearing doc.
Can anything be done for my deaf ear?
Even so.
Head so heavy, body so tired.
Just sitting in a wheel chair.
Even so.
Tuning fork on the head,
Deaf and not coming back.
Even so.
How could he be so certain,
in shiny, stripped blue suit with wide pimp tie?
Even so.
Gleaming green eyes, leaning back into his black throne;
walls shimmering with yellow and red motifs.
Even so.
Nerve connections are shot.
I have dissected the brains.
Even so.
Meg said: Maybe keep him on the steroids,
Give him an MRI of the head.
Even so.
The body has secret regenerative powers.
Reprogramming with music at peak volume.
Even so.
During the MRI, I think I hear it coming through.
Garcia's guitar on the Jerry wire.
Even so.
Can anything be done for my deaf ear?
Even so.
Head so heavy, body so tired.
Just sitting in a wheel chair.
Even so.
Tuning fork on the head,
Deaf and not coming back.
Even so.
How could he be so certain,
in shiny, stripped blue suit with wide pimp tie?
Even so.
Gleaming green eyes, leaning back into his black throne;
walls shimmering with yellow and red motifs.
Even so.
Nerve connections are shot.
I have dissected the brains.
Even so.
Meg said: Maybe keep him on the steroids,
Give him an MRI of the head.
Even so.
The body has secret regenerative powers.
Reprogramming with music at peak volume.
Even so.
During the MRI, I think I hear it coming through.
Garcia's guitar on the Jerry wire.
Even so.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Dear Georgia lady, or going Borat
I couldn't leave the hospital alone,
so I hired Georgia to watch over me in the hotel.
Well bless your heart.
I had her swing by the airport so I could get my bag
Before taking me to the hotel
Well bless your heart.
Out of the car window fields of waving saw-grass
between the parading strip malls.
Well bless your heart.
I offered her half her daily fee, to just drop me at the hotel.
I usually get extra for picking people up at the airport.
Well bless her heart!
Restraining my fear of the night,
I paid the ransom to be alone.
so I hired Georgia to watch over me in the hotel.
Well bless your heart.
I had her swing by the airport so I could get my bag
Before taking me to the hotel
Well bless your heart.
Out of the car window fields of waving saw-grass
between the parading strip malls.
Well bless your heart.
I offered her half her daily fee, to just drop me at the hotel.
I usually get extra for picking people up at the airport.
Well bless her heart!
Restraining my fear of the night,
I paid the ransom to be alone.
Well bless her heart!
Dear Georgia lady:
I am most disused of your penchant for saying
well, bless your heart.
well, bless your heart.
In Brooklyn we find such a remark as offensive,
everyone knows that the heart is a simple mechanical pump.
It is the pineal gland that is the seat of love.
A soft pineal is a sign of a caring attitude.
In Brooklyn we say:
Bless your pineal.
It is for this reason that I cannot have you around,
everyone knows that the heart is a simple mechanical pump.
It is the pineal gland that is the seat of love.
A soft pineal is a sign of a caring attitude.
In Brooklyn we say:
Bless your pineal.
It is for this reason that I cannot have you around,
Bless your pineal, and my god keep it soft.
In deference to David Foster Wallace
This is the year the year of
THE PURELL TFX TOUCH FREE HAND SANITIZER DISPENSER.
What are my fears for 2012?
liver failure;
liver clots;
Warfarin overdose;
rejection;
infection;
hep-C;
liver cancer.
There is a skylight that is displayed on the front of the dispenser in order to be able to determine when a refill is needed.
We've got:
gated communities;
water proof shoes;
4x4 off road trucks;
concealed carry;
war on cancer;
war on drugs;
war on terror;
defend America;
weapons of mass destruction;
the Department of Homeland Security;
Transportation Security Administration;
Advanced Imaging Technology airport scanners.
The dispenser will automatically turn off when it is opened and there are only three C size alkaline batteries needed for long lasting operation.
Join the the FEMA Citizens Corp
A nationwide grassroots effort to educate and train Americans of all abilities
on all-hazards preparedness
and to foster collaboration between
non-governmental organizations, citizens, and emergency responders
on community preparedness issues.
There is a 3 year performance guarantee on this grey dispenser.
The Air Force 49th Wing flies drones
MQ-1 "Predator" and MQ-9 "Reaper"
to Afghanistan and other targets around the world
from simulators in Holman Air Force Base, New Mexico.
Sometimes they target civilians.
If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911.
Notes from the other side
I always walk with one eye closed
to shield my eyes from the glare
and to remind myself that I am only half-here,
and only provisionally, at that.
I think I am
dead dead dead dead dead.
But of course I am not.
I am is a state of being.
I think therefore I am.
But Descartes is little comfort
when you wake up dead.
How silly it is to say that.
People wonder:
What is it like to be dead?
To not-be is boring: intense bright in utter darkness.
A loud, insistent, invariable hum.
The Indian-head test pattern at the end of the broadcast day.
For eternity, even beyond the heat-death of the universe.
There are the laws of physics and then there is contingency.
In the world we inhabit, It is contingency that matters.
to shield my eyes from the glare
and to remind myself that I am only half-here,
and only provisionally, at that.
I think I am
dead dead dead dead dead.
But of course I am not.
I am is a state of being.
I think therefore I am.
But Descartes is little comfort
when you wake up dead.
How silly it is to say that.
People wonder:
What is it like to be dead?
To not-be is boring: intense bright in utter darkness.
A loud, insistent, invariable hum.
The Indian-head test pattern at the end of the broadcast day.
For eternity, even beyond the heat-death of the universe.
There are the laws of physics and then there is contingency.
In the world we inhabit, It is contingency that matters.
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